current mood · that confused, pissed, feeling like a total failure kind of feeling.
song of the day · eyes be closed — washed out
And so here I am, starting this ridiculous blog post on Friday night. I feel so invigorated, alive, happy, utterly marvelous. But sugar, sarcasm don't register all that well on text. Unfortunately, my sarcasm doesn't register with anyone, even in conversation. Hoorah, absolutely no one to talk to!
Maybe I have been too troubled these past few months. Inside, all of... Well, whatever's happening now, is eating me alive like the flesh-eating animal it is. I wouldn't imagine Dr. Lecter after a sauteed liver à la me anytime soon, but right now I feel like knives are just cutting into my flesh and tearing it bit by lazy, boring failure bit.
It's hard bearing the pressure of maintaining a good reputation, good grades, good everything, when the other thing I told my folks I wanted to be when I was a child had immediately became out of the question once they knew I was getting older. My professor was right. College is the time when you find out that what you wanted to be wasn't really what you wanted. I've accepted that fact wholeheartedly, but now I'm stuck at an impasse. I can never be what I wanted to be, whatever life I wanted to set out for myself. The bohemian life was always one that I wanted to lead, but would it get me anywhere? I'm stuck. I was never in it for the money. I was in it for what I could do to help society. Unfortunately, I'd have to sacrifice my love of freedom just to get that goal. I'd be like those other freaks with sticks up their asses, showing off "who's boss". What the fuck. I don't need that bullshit, and I never want to give that BS to anyone. It's inevitable. I want to escape this. I don't want to see, or experience, any of this.
I'm gonna have to make the leap if none of this goes according to plan. It's... It's been all too tiring. I just want it to stop. I wanna take that leap.
Yes, this is just another one of those self-destructive phases you've probably heard so much about. Probably too much about. But I don't care. It's called a phase for a reason. It'll pass. I hope.